Ai, the Ailments of an Uchiha
by Silver-eyed Hyuuga
Summary: It's unsettling when Sasuke finds out that he's not as young as he thinks. He succumbs to a presumably harmless little indulgence...only to find out that it's not as harmless as it looks, and now it's up to Naruto to save him from the sin of age. SasuNaru
1. Uchiha Imperfections

WHY HELLO AGAIN!!! I'M SO GLAD WE COULD MEET ONCE MORE!!! sticks out paw Yeah. Silver-eyed Hyuuga's back in the running, minna-san!! Glad to write once more!!!

And do mine eyes deceive moi? Silver-eyed Hyuuga, the writer of all things NejiNaru, is actually writing something SASUNARU for once???!?!?! GAAAAAAASSPPPP!!!!

dies

Actually, I've had this plot line lurking in the back of my brain for some time. Sasuke fits better as a character in this plot, so yes, for once I'm writing a SasuNaru story. Not that I mind….SasuNaru's my no. 2 pairing next to NejiNaru….so I decided I'm gonna give it a shot.

This is set sometime when Naruto-tachi have grown to be around thirty-ish (though don't try to imagine adult versions of the characters when you read this….the characters are supposed to look the same as they were when they were 15-16ish…somewhere along those lines)….Naruto successfully convinced Sasuke to come back to Konoha, and they're living together now…

Oh, by the way….

I've been getting some anonymous reviews….from someone named - and I haven't a clue who he/she is….so if you please, if you're reading this, could you tell me who you are? I'm kinda curious…you don't have to if you don't want to….

So now that I've gotten the business all cleared up, let's GET ON WITH THE FIC ALREADY!!!!

Chapter One: Facial Preservation

There were days when everything was bright and shiny, when there wasn't a single, solitary cloud in the marvelously clear sky, and when the temperature was just right, not too hot, and not too cool. Children merrily laughed as they frolicked and played, birds cheerfully exercised their well-toned lungs, and everyone went about their business with a feeling of lightheartedness and buoyancy, an extra lilt in their steps. Even the darkest, ice-cast hearts seemed at ease; a certain red-haired figure gave a ghost of a smile and softly stroked the head of a stuffed bear long destroyed, and far, far away, deep in the slime-slicked murky recesses of a cave, a long-haired snake sannin leaned back in his chair and hummed tunelessly as he went about his sordid ways. Even the vilest of the vile seemed to bear liveliness on these days. The sunlight was positively contagious, even in places where no sun could reach. Yes, those were the days of joy and good cheer, where even the most bitter of enemies nodded and smiled at each other, and for once didn't try to plunge sharpened objects of remote fatality into any inch of exposed flesh.

And then there were the days when the very air seemed to laugh hysterically at the most trivial of actions.

Sasuke really loathed those days. He really did. Judging by the piercing scream and the imminent explosion that promptly reduced the poor, innocent bathroom in which he was lodged to mere dust, it WAS rather hard to say that Sasuke bore even a smidgen of tolerance for those kinds of days.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He had to admit that the shriek that shot out of his mouth was quite impressive; after all, after going through thirty-plus years with mostly "Hn"s, "Hmph"s, and the occasional "DIE!!"s, he was starting to think that his larynx had actually shrunk. Said theory was dispelled as what was left of the bathroom collapsed around him with a thunderous crash, leaving only a fractured mirror and what vaguely looked like a sink. Sasuke panted heavily as he glared various sharp, pointy objects at said offending mirror, which seemed to glint benignly at the livid Uchiha.

What sounded like a cross between a groan and a purr emitted from the other room. A hand feebly groped around for the covers, then drew them around lean, sculpted bare shoulders as Naruto snuggled deeper into the bed, a light snore emitting from the back of his throat. Sasuke sighed, a rare smile fondly gracing his features. He highly suspected it was partly due to the thickness of the blonde's skull, but he'd be willing to bet his life on the fact that the sleeping Naruto wouldn't even twitch an eyelash should Orochimaru wreck havoc once more on the village of Konoha, fully revitalized and twice as powerful.

Then again, he thought as a muscle ticked somewhere in the general vicinity of his jaw, Naruto would be up and raring to go should he detect the mere trace of ramen, or anything remotely close to food.

Reluctantly pulling his thoughts from the languorous blonde on the bed (Sasuke had a sudden unexpected vision involving chocolate sauce and ribbons, to which he couldn't admit that he didn't enjoy), he turned to the demolished bathroom, surveying the damage with his hands on his hips. Naruto stirred again, and Sasuke shot a furtive look at the slumbering blonde, willing him not to wake up. The last time such a catastrophe happened and the apartment was reduced to rubble due to one of Sasuke's fits of rage, Naruto had turned sexually frigid as punishment, leaving a very unfulfilled and frustrated Uchiha. Though Sasuke supposed he could have threatened to sleep with another person and consequently made Naruto beg to have him back, somehow he couldn't find the heart and settled for sulkily waiting out the three weeks of abstinence, during which he repeatedly cursed himself for growing so soft.

Naruto, however, just went about his daily business with a constant, toothy smirk smeared all over his face like excrement on poor-quality toilet paper. Which only served to further aggravate Sasuke to the point where he almost considered making quite an interesting offer to the nearest willing being (it could be anyone, really; after all, wasn't half the female population—and, he suspected with a sickening wince, about a quarter of the male population—already lusting after his ass?), but Naruto, being Naruto after all, would probably just use that as an excuse to sleep with Neji, and Sasuke highly suspected the Hyuuga wouldn't complain. After all, the _last_ time Sasuke had come home drunk and completely wasted, Naruto had holed himself up in the Hyuuga complex for a full three weeks. And the first day of the fourth week, when Neji finally dragged a reluctant Naruto home, Sasuke's Sharingan-blazing eyes met Neji's cool opalescent orbs, and the obvious devilish glint that resided in the Hyuuga's eyes and/or smirk made it plain to him that the blonde was just fine with screwing other people as punishment for Sasuke's errant behavior, and that he'd be doing it again if the Uchiha showed the barest hint of needing to be disciplined.

Which brought him to the situation at hand. How to repair a whole bathroom plus plumbing before Naruto woke up.

Sasuke gritted his teeth and slanted a glance at Naruto as he slept, then sucked what he thought was half the world's supply of oxygen in through his nose, exhaled through his mouth, and concentrated his chakra at the huge mess of wood shavings at his feet. The debris quivered and rose as Sasuke agonizingly fit each piece together, leaving not a splinter untouched. The Uchiha painstakingly pieced together the shards of broken pipe and porcelain shrapnel, chewing nervously on his lip as the bathroom seemed to take form.

He was about halfway through reconstructing the sink when Naruto stirred, groaned, and rose from the bed, muscle and sinew rippling languidly as he sat up and scraped an elegant paw across brilliant blue eyes misted over with the last vestiges of sleep.

Sasuke tore across the room and crushed his mouth to Naruto's, quickly muffling the surprised yelp that threatened to emit from the blonde's lips.

"SaaaAAAAAAAAAAAsssuuuummmpppphhhhh….." The Uchiha quickly calmed the squirming blonde, deftly slipping his tongue in between Naruto's lips and sliding it over the blonde's elongated canines.

"Shhhhh…it's still early, go back to sleep…" he murmured gently against Naruto's mouth, taking extra measures to shield the half-complete bathroom from the blonde's line of sight.

Naruto moaned as Sasuke's limber, alabaster fingers scraped lightly against his chest, sliding downwards over smooth, soft skin. The fox-child lazily wrapped both arms around Sasuke's neck and chiseled shoulders, pressing his head down further to gain more access to his lips. Cracking open one eye, the Uchiha felt a twinge of relief to see that Naruto's eyes were blissfully closed; just for good measure, he tilted his head the other way and kissed Naruto again, nibbling gently on his lower lip and shuddering deliciously as Naruto lightly brushed nails across his ribs and down his waist. Sasuke broke the kiss and nuzzled Naruto's neck, running his teeth across the blonde's jaw and nipping the junction where Naruto's jaw ended and his ear began.

"Sasu…ke….you keep this up, and—"

"You'll end up with a very sore asshole, mmm?" Sasuke finished, chuckling as Naruto muttered something along the lines of "Uchiha-hentai".

"After all we did last night, one would think you'd be sated…" Naruto softly shot back as he tenderly licked at Sasuke's collarbone.

"The same could be said to you…" Sasuke said, affectionately tracing the three slashes on the blonde's cheek with his tongue. "Now go back to sleep. It's quite early, and you want to have a good night's rest before training today, hmm?" He coaxed, turning Naruto onto his side away from the bathroom. The blonde absently murmured agreement, and snuggled further into the blankets, a low hum coming from his throat.

"That's right….go back to sleep now….that's right…" Sasuke whispered with a wry, secret smirk. Itachi'd have a coronary on the spot should he ever get the wind that his little brother was speaking in such a gooey, disgustingly syrup-sodden tone.

The Uchiha made certain that Naruto was snoozing before quickly running to the bathroom and finishing up what he'd started. That being done, he stood back and critically surveyed his creation, then walked into the bathroom once more and stared in the mirror, willing himself not to scream when he witnessed his worst nightmare.

There, at the corner of his eye. He begged, pleaded, cajoled it to go away, but it stood there and stubbornly became more defined as Sasuke tweaked his eyebrows this way and that. There…that mark…that dreaded, vile imperfection…

A wrinkle.

His first thought was about donning his Anbu mask to hide the disgusting blemish and seeking council from Tsunade-sama…but then again, Tsunade-sama would probably roar with laughter and spend the next three days issuing reports about the highly phenomenal Uchiha imperfection. He then thought about asking Sakura for a facial…after all, she _was_ a healer, and he most definitely considered wrinkles something that required healing…but Sakura was also notorious for spreading rumors, so that was a lost cause. Hinata would be a great person to go to, he thought suddenly…but then again, that meddling Hyuuga cousin of hers was constantly at her side, and Sasuke didn't even want to _think_ about the possible consequences should Neji find out about his less-than-flawless face when the Hyuuga himself hadn't a scar on his perfect visage. At least, Sasuke thought with a rather evil smirk, not before the nice little chat he'd been planning to have with him that was quite long overdue.

Pushing aside somewhat gory thoughts, he was struck by a sudden idea. He could use Henge no Jutsu and buy some wrinkle cream from the nearest convenience store. Yes, that would do it…in fact, the solution was so brilliant, he was completely surprised that he hadn't thought of it before. Quickly scribbling a note in chicken-scratch concerning something about going out for fresh air (he'd be surprised if Naruto could make head or tail of it, but then again Naruto's handwriting bordered on being nothing but a series of splotches and inkblots, and since the blonde could perfectly understand his own penmanship, Sasuke hadn't a doubt he could interpret his note), he performed a hasty seal and burst through the door, making a beeline for the nearest shop.

It was only as he passed his reflection in one of the store windows that he realized he'd transformed into a female version of himself, that this was probably the result of witnessing Naruto's Oiroke no Jutsu one time too many, and that random males along the street were gawking openly at his more-than-ample bosom.

The irony gods would be rolling on the floor.

Slowing to a light jog (after all, he didn't quite take to the prospect of his chest bouncing jerkily in front of him while running), he slipped stealthily inside the doors of the store and shot straight to the back of the shop, quickly ducking down between the aisles that sported a wide collection of hair products. A few random thoughts raced through his head (does Aniki like hairspray?) as he flitted to and fro, flicking apprehensive gazes at chance points as he hastily skirted down yet another aisle. It suddenly occurred to him that he was drawing a lot more attention to himself by doing this, so he straightened up, pasted what he hoped looked like an expression of mild indifference on his face, and attempted to walk at a fairly normal pace. A hesitant smile of confidence started to bloom at the corners of his mouth as he strode around a corner…

And walked right into a very surprised Sakura herself.

"Holy sh—Saku—"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Are you okay?" She asked, concern glittering in her green eyes.

For a moment, Sasuke wondered why she didn't latch onto him like a limpet, as was normal for her (or any other girl for that matter, he thought wryly), but then he remembered he was…he was…with a resigned sigh, he admitted that he HAD performed some version of Oiroke no Jutsu, given his doe-eyed features and his various charms, and that Sakura hadn't seen the female version of him before, so there was no way she could recognize him now. After a few attempts at speaking, he managed to utter a few words.

"Oh…I'm fine…really…it was my fault…" he said, then recoiled at the high, feminine sound that emitted from his throat. Apparently Oiroke no Jutsu made one's vocal chords anatomically correct as well as various other parts of the body.

"That's good, I'm glad you weren't hurt." Sakura said cheerfully, then flicked her eyes across Sasuke's face, a frown briefly marring her features.

"Are you new here? I haven't seen you around before…" She said bemusedly. Sasuke gulped, and blurted out the first thought that came into his mind.

"A-actually, I'm visiting Konoha…I'm Shikamaru's cousin." He lied through his teeth. Sakura didn't seem to notice the twinge of guilt in his voice.

"I see…well, tell him I said hi, okay?" She chirped, then continued her walk through the store.

Sasuke breathed an immense sigh of relief and shot down yet another aisle, looking for the desired cream. A small purple bottle caught his eye and he gingerly picked it up, examining the label. Harumi's Wrinkle Cream…guaranteed to erase any wrinkles you have within a week bla bla bla…a triumphant smirk crossed his face and he bolted to the checkout stand, shoved a handful of bills into the surprised cashier's hand, and took off with his prize, yelling a garbled "keep the change!" over his shoulder as the man called after him.

Oh well. His purse sans a couple hundred yen could use as a good excuse should Naruto ever want to go on a ramen binge again.

So what do you think so far? Good? Bad? In between? Review, s'il vous plait….please…onegai….


	2. The Foxchild Knows

Yesh, yesh, another day, another chappie…. I didn't get many reviews for the first chap….(sobs) I GOTTA KNOW IF PEOPLE ARE READING THIS FIC, DAMMIT, OR WUZZA POINT OF POSTING IT IN THE FIRST PLACE?!!???! (wails)

Yeah, anyhow….many thanks to those that DID review….(giggles)

DAMMIT!! YOUUUUU!!! -….THAT ANONYMOUS REVIEWER!! YOU GIVE ME THIS LONG-ASS REVIEW AND I CAN'T CONTACT YOU BECAUSE YOU LEAVE ME ABSOLUTELY NO WAY TO CONTACT YOU AND IT'S REALLY REALLY FRUSTRATING!! (sobs) Yeah...gimme an e-mail address or something, yes? TT AND YES I DO MEAN YOU!! - ----symbol that you use when you send the reviews

Anyhow…

Chapter Two: The Fox-child Knows

It seemed like ages before he finally arrived at the apartment which he and Naruto shared. Transforming back into his regular self, he cast a hurried look over himself, judged not that far from normal, and opened the door, quickly slipping inside. The bed was empty, which sent a pang of alarm through his mind, but then the smell of ramen wafted through to hit his nostrils, and Sasuke relaxed, thinking that Naruto was probably in the kitchen. Running a hand through his hair, the Uchiha walked over to the bathroom and pulled open the door, and the next minute collided with something soft, something silky, and something very, very yellow.

His nose was now mashed into top of Naruto's hair.

"Sasuke? Where'd you come from?" The blonde asked questioningly.

"U-uhm….well…I was…I went out for a…run." Sasuke stammered. Naruto scrunched up his nose, slanting a puzzled glance at the frazzled Uchiha from under gilded lashes.

"Since when do you stutter?" He quipped lightly. Sasuke strapped on what he hoped look like a reassuring expression.

"Why, when did you hear me stutter?" He said, mentally relaxing as his voice came out smoothly.

"Just now?"

"You must be hearing things, Naruto." He said, then attempted to change the subject. "Are you going to be done soon?"

"Oh sure," Naruto said, stepping aside to make room for the Uchiha.

Sasuke stepped through the door and busied himself with washing his face. To his dismay, Naruto remained blithely unaware, cheerfully watching Sasuke go about his freshening up with an innocent, blandly unknowing smile on his face. The Uchiha wrung out his washcloth, flipped one side of his bangs over his face just in case the wrinkle was that noticeable, and turned to face Naruto, who blinked naively at Sasuke's uncomfortable gaze. After a long moment during which silence loudly roared through the atmosphere, Sasuke couldn't take it any longer. you leave me alone for a moment please?" He said, praying his voice wouldn't shake. Naruto blinked in faint surprise.

"Why?" He asked with a quizzical look. Sasuke sighed.

"Because people need their privacy too…" He muttered errantly. Naruto pouted, which almost made the Uchiha regret his words. Sasuke ground his nails into his palm, leaving shiny, white crescents embedded in his skin as he fought to resist the blonde's undeniably cute gaze.

"Very well…but don't take too long, okay?" Naruto conceded with a highly suggestive wink. Sasuke grimaced as he felt something twitch somewhere south.

He turned back to the mirror and carefully unscrewed the cap on bottle, squeezing some yellowish liquid into the palm of his hand. Dipping a finger into the frothy substance, he carefully rubbed it onto the site of the wrinkle, massaging it evenly into the skin. That being done, Sasuke stepped back and wryly surveyed his complexion, judged it passable after a moment's observation, then unlocked the bathroom door and stepped out, only to slam the door right into something very hard and undeniably solid.

Naruto yelped as the door collided with his head and turned around to cut a scathing glare at Sasuke's stunned form.

"Jeez, watch where you're going next time." He muttered in exasperation. Sasuke executed an apologetic shrug and quickly averted his eyes, letting his bangs fall over his face. Brushing past the stunned blonde, he stalked into the kitchen, shutting the door behind him with a bang.

Something wasn't right with the Uchiha, Naruto supposed, sapphire-cut eyes clouding over with worry. He thought back to what happened ever since the morning dawned, thoughtfully tapping a slightly sharpened nail against the corner of his mouth. He faintly recalled a tremor and what sounded like a huge crash, but then again he was mostly asleep and just assumed that Sasuke had knocked over a piece of furniture. Then again, he thought with a pang of apprehension as he gnawed solicitously on the edge of the aforementioned nail, Sasuke never knocked things over because it wasn't like him to be clumsy, and if he really DID knock something over then it meant he wasn't himself, which was something to be alarmed of because abnormal Uchihas didn't bode well for anyone or anything within a radius of ten miles. At least, Naruto thought, recalling a certain battle with an at-that-time-drunk-out-of-his-mind Akatsuki member, it was like that with Itachi.

Come to think of it, Sasuke had been moody for the past few weeks, for a reason that was unknown to the blonde. Perhaps he was going through a mid-life crisis? After all, he was thirty-five, at an age that most ninja at his rank didn't live to, which made him, if possible, cockier than usual? But no, according to the glum, gloomy way that Sasuke had been acting lately, Naruto really couldn't say that he'd become more arrogant than he already was. And it wasn't Itachi's fault, because if Sasuke's mood really _was_ affected by his age-old grudge against his dear Aniki, the walls of their apartment would've been long gone by now, and considering that Naruto came home every day to find his apartment more or less intact, Itachi had been staying mostly clear of Sasuke's brain. A sickening thought suddenly shot through his brain with a pang that made his heart palpitate wildly in his chest. Perhaps….Sasuke was….Sasuke was having….he tried frantically to refrain from thinking the dreaded, desecrated thoughts, but they came too late…

_Was Sasuke having AN AFFAIR?!??!?_

Naruto almost tripped over his feet at the thought that Sasuke, his best friend, his rival, his lover, his _soulmate_ would be having an affair. It would be almost too easy for the Uchiha to find a warm, eager lover if he ever tired of the blonde. Sakura would be a most willing candidate, as would Ino…hell, he even suspected _Tenten_ wouldn't think twice about the offer…Sasuke could've pretended to be on a particularly long mission while seeking others for his pleasure…Naruto chewed nervously on what was left of his already mangled nail, imagining the gruesome thought. Sleek, supple bodies entwined in a slack-limbed embrace…the curvaceous body of a woman, writhing with pleasure under the Uchiha's pale, long, wondrously sculpted body….

By the time the thought was over, Naruto was ready to kill anything that even remotely _resembled_ a woman.

Which was why he viciously beheaded a particularly shapely lamp with an errant flick of one razor-sharp claw.

He perked up considerably as Sasuke re-entered the room, looking—thank whatever gods existed—absolutely normal. Tension exploded throughout Naruto's body as he worriedly watched the Uchiha lower himself onto the nearest couch with a sigh. Sasuke looked average, which was indeed a plus, but then again the most mentally imbalanced of people looked perfectly ordinary as well. Silence reigned supreme once more as Naruto gingerly perched himself on the edge of the couch on which Sasuke was sitting. He fidgeted with his fingers, chewing sporadically on his lip as neither he nor the Uchiha made a sound, but still Sasuke showed no sign of even wanting to communicate. After watching the Uchiha for a few more minutes just for good measure, Naruto cautiously eased himself onto to the couch, sitting gingerly on the edge. Gradually the silence seemed to thin, giving into a more companionable tranquility, which produced a rather soporific effect on the blonde. Naruto lowered bronzed lashes to half-mast, letting his thoughts slip away…

"Naruto…do you think I'm…growing old?"

The innocent little question, asked so many times by so many people, was more than Naruto's frayed, frazzled, and thoroughly exhausted brain could bear. With what sounded like a cross between a squawk and a yelp, the blonde pitched headfirst over the coffee table and landed like a sack of wet cement on the floor in an unsightly tangle of limbs and yellow hair. Sasuke looked on with faint amusement as the blonde executed a valiant attempt at trying to extricate himself from his limbs. After a few more splutters and chokes during which a complex orchestra consisting of Naruto's exquisitely colorful, delicately refined repertoire of expletives promptly performed a flagrant recital, the blonde sat up, a thoroughly chagrined look on his fox-like features.

"Whuh…whuh…WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAATT!??!?!" Sasuke winced and delicately inserted a long finger into his ear, then repeated his question, earning a rather warped look from the blonde.

"Why do you want to know?" Naruto asked quizzically. Sasuke shifted uneasily on the couch, his obsidian eyes suddenly drawn to a renegade thread on his shirt.

"Because…well….just answer the question." He blurted out harshly. One golden eyebrow practically shot past his hairline as Naruto wrinkled his nose in thorough confusion.

"And I don't want some half-assed answer. Tell me the truth." The Uchiha said bluntly.

A most interesting cocktail of expressions waltzed their way across Naruto's countenance. Shock and confusion reigned supreme, followed by a careful wariness that made his eyes glint with caution, but eventually a sort of peaceful tranquility came over his features, evening them out so that Naruto looked mystically serene, pleased to have been asked his opinion and more than happy to give Sasuke his honest judgement.

"Well…yes. Yes, you are old," At Sasuke's look of bitterness and resentment at such a candid comment, Naruto hurriedly finished his sentence. "But only in terms of such a high-ranking Anbu like you. I mean, think about it….most Anbu captains get killed by the time they're barely past twenty, and here you are, thirty-five, fifteen years older than the average Anbu's allotted lifespan, very much alive, in great health, and possibly the most dangerous and highly-skilled person in the whole of the shinobi society not to mention Konoha." Naruto concluded with what he hoped was a flourish. Sasuke's smile was more of a twisting of his mouth.

"Don't patronize me, Naruto; it pains me to say this, but I do believe we are equal in that sense." he muttered sardonically.

Naruto sat quite still for what seemed like an eternity, staring at Sasuke with an expression of sheer shock. Carefully rehinging his jaw, the blonde slowly crawled up to Sasuke, planting both hands firmly on the Uchiha's knees as he leaned forward and seared a stare absolutely sodden with sapphire-eyed intensity into Sasuke's bemused charcoal counterparts. The Uchiha shied away slightly, leaning further into the couch as the blonde practically shoved his face into his raven eyes.

"Get off of me." Sasuke propelled from the side of his mouth. Naruto remained adamant in his staring.

"Not until you prove that the rest of your brain hasn't become more mentally imbalanced than the part that already is." Naruto quipped without even so much as flicking an eyelash.

"Big of you to care," Sasuke muttered, then sighed and tilted his head back on the white leather of the couch.

"Look…I'm just wondering if you think I'm getting old, okay? Why can't I ask a simple question?" He bit out testily. Naruto responded with an equally prickly retort.

"Because you, the almighty Uchiha Sasuke, have never cared about what others thought of you before, least of all ME, and now that you ask me what I think of YOU, it gets kind of…weird, you know. Since when do you care about your age or how you look? Being a shinobi means you might be killed sometime during the next five or so seconds, so we don't have the TIME to worry about something like AGE." He said, nails digging into Sasuke's knees.

A startled cry was all that made its way out of Naruto's mouth before the Uchiha crushed him to his chest, embracing the blonde so hard that he choked the life out of him. Sasuke buried his nose in Naruto's silky bronze hair, gently nuzzling the strands of gold as what seemed like a mix of passion and desperation crossed his elegant countenance. He brushed his lips across Naruto's jawline, drawing a feathery touch that enticed an unwonted purr from the blonde, then stopped to rest his lips against Naruto's ear, his whispers mere flickers of air, so soft that Naruto had to strain to hear the words.

"Because we are shinobi…because the both of us are undoubtedly among the best shinobi ever in the history of Konoha, and I say this as a fact….because so many other shinobi will stop at nothing to kill us every time we're assigned a mission….would it not be wise to ask questions now, while we still live, and in the comfort and security of our home than later, when we're murdered and dying and unable to hear the answer?" He whispered gently against Naruto's ear, entangling his fingers in the blonde's hair.

"I might lose you at any given point in time, Naruto. You know that; you know it's part of our duty as Anbu, as shinobi, to be prepared to die at any moment. Because I know that all too well, what with the massacre of my family, I've tried not to get too attached to those I love, but with you…" He trailed off, an emotion akin to pain glittering brilliantly in his eyes, then started again. "Grant me your time now, Naruto, because in the future there might not be any left."

Naruto sat, engulfed in Sasuke's arms, gem-shard eyes shot through with shock. Never in the thirty-five years that he had lived had he ever heard Sasuke say something so….so abnormally _sentimental._ Of course, it didn't mean that the Uchiha was ENTIRELY frigid; Sasuke tended to resort to more physical means of showing his love, his fervent desire normally apparent in his eyes and the gentle yet urgent way his fingers and body traveled over Naruto's, but never before had he let his emotions show through words. Sasuke just wasn't the type. It was…not an Uchiha-like thing to do. And that he was doing it _now_, after living thirty-plus years, and over such a ridiculously trivial matter like the issue of growing _old_….well, Naruto had his doubts. Or _had_ had his doubts; after the sudden unexpected little speech that issued from Sasuke's lips, what little mistrust that lay dormant in the blonde's mind now died altogether. Naruto took a deep breath and went about cautiously choosing his words.

"So….you want me to tell you what I think about you getting old?" He said carefully. Sasuke gently disengaged himself from Naruto and sat back, looking uncomfortable.

"Well….do you?" Naruto prodded after a moment's silence. Sasuke averted his eyes yet again and nodded slightly. With a sigh of release, the fox-child sat back on his haunches, knees on either side of Sasuke's thighs.

"Okay…okay. O-kay." He took another deep breath, then attempted to rearrange his thoughts. "Alright." He shifted on Sasuke's lap, licking his lips.

"It…depends on how you look at it." He began, then winced inwardly at the blandly banal statement. "Okay…in terms of a shinobi, not to mention an Anbu, hell yeah, you're old. Like I said before, most Anbu at your level don't live past twenty, so you're practically compared to them, unless you count special cases like Konoha's past Hokage and the three Sannin." He took a deep breath and continued. "However, compared to the rest of the village, you've just begun to really live. Take…Teuchi, for example. The ramen-seller-jii-san. He's in his mid-seventies going on eighties, and I could swear he's more energetic than he was at forty. Kakashi-sensei and Iruka-sensei are both well into their forties, and I don't see them complaining about their age. Hiashi-san is bordering seventy, and he doesn't whine about his age. And I've known people who are way more vigorous at seventy compared to other people at thirty. So…I guess it all depends on how you look at it." He finished lamely.

Sasuke seemed to consider Naruto's words, his mouth crimping slightly at he thought. After a long period of silence had spanned, to the elation of the blonde, the Uchiha's lips quirked upward in the barest hint of the old Sasuke-esque smirk Naruto was so accustomed to. Sasuke began to laugh, low in the back of his throat, shaking his head in a mockingly hopeless manner. Naruto twisted his mouth in an indignant scowl.

"What?" At this, Sasuke's laugh rose in volume, and the Uchiha leaned his head back against the couch, positively quaking with mirth.

"It's just…you. You always say the weirdest things for the situation, and yet they seem so…right." He suppressed yet another onslaught of silent laughter. Naruto briefly considered growing testy, but then discarded the notion, regarding it useless.

"Teme." He quipped with amused affection.

"Dobe." Sasuke shot back, then leaned up and tenderly licked the area where Naruto's eyebrow ended and smooth skin began, earning a startled giggle from the blonde.

Naruto stretched and lazily wrapped long, languorous arms around Sasuke's neck, sapphire eyes seemingly reflecting all the answers to the stars, the universe and every known enigma ever to exist as he leaned down and brushed feather-soft lips against the line of Sasuke's brow, smoothing away the lines of worry with flickering whispers of tender half-kisses that seemed to melt into the Uchiha's skin. Sasuke's breath was hot against Naruto's neck as the blonde tenderly nipped the slim patch of skin that covered the bridge of Sasuke's nose, trailing his way over the Uchiha's chiseled cheekbone.

Sasuke's hands found their way down to Naruto's hips, clasping them almost painfully to his as Naruto softly fluttered his fingers over Sasuke's neck and down to his slender waist. Sasuke arched moaned low in the back of his throat as the blonde's artful teeth traveled a trail down his long, eloquent neck. Naruto tantalizingly hovered over the smooth, alabaster skin of Sasuke's collarbone, smirking slightly as the Uchiha let out an urgent, begging snarl from the back of his throat, then abruptly changed his mind, sliding his tongue passionately up the side of one flawless cheek.

"Na…ru…to…." Sasuke's breath came in pants. "Don't…leave me….waiting…" Sculpted fingernails dug painfully into Naruto's back, earning an amused "patience" from the blonde as he left a trail of saliva over Sasuke's cheek, moving up to flick his tongue over the Uchiha's eyelids….

"BLEEAAUGH!!! WHAT THE HELL—"

Naruto ungracefully ruined the sultry mood by throwing himself from Sasuke's lap, vigorously scrubbing a hand over his mouth like as if it had touched some form of turd.

"What is it?" Sasuke asked, alarmed. Naruto exhibited quite an interesting display of facial acrobatics.

"What in all the seven point five hells did you PUT on your FACE?!??!?" He practically shrieked. Sasuke grimaced, confused.

"Nothing. Why?"

"Because your face tastes HORRIBLE!!!" Naruto squawked, making a few futile attempts to clean his tongue on the back of his hand, a thoroughly scandalized look on his face. Sasuke drew long, pallid fingers up to his temple, massaging the spot where Naruto's tongue had just passed….

"EEEEEWWWW!!! SASS-KAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!! IS YOUR SKIN **_CRACKING!??!?!"_** Feeling a faint surge of panic, the Uchiha hastily pulled his hand from the corner of his eye, only to witness a few flakes of creamy yellow substance suspended on the pads of his fingers.

"Whuh…whuh…SASUKE!! YOU'RE PULLING A GAARA!!" Sasuke mildly suspected the poor, sound-cracked windows would soon be out for retribution. The current landlord had already sapped the contents of his bulimic wallet a grand total of no less than five times for glass reparations.

"Will you calm down?" He asked in exasperation. To his faint surprise, Naruto actually took his suggestion for once, and settled for steaming silently, arms crossed in defiance.

He passed fingers over the corner of his eye once again, coming away with more flakes of lemon-yellow substance (Naruto made a cross between a strangled sound of disgust and horror). It didn't come to him from off the top of his head, but he could've sworn the color looked strangely familiar….

All too familiar, in fact.

And it was just that very instant that Naruto noticed the exposed blemish festering at the corner of Sasuke's eye.

Only two words managed to worm their way through the Uchiha's brain.

_Oh. Shit._

Okay, originally this fic was supposed to be a one-shot….and then it got longer….and longer….and longer….TT (don't worry, it won't go past ten chapters )….so I apologize if I cut things off rather abruptly.


	3. Discoveries, Discoveries

Chapter 3

"YOU HAVE A…A….A-A-A-A-A-A-…..A WRI….A WRI-WRI….A WRINK…." Naruto sputtered, nearly choking on his tongue. Sasuke decided he hadn't the heart or the insurance and decided to put the sputtering blonde out of his misery.

"It's a wrinkle. Yes. Happy now?" He hissed sardonically. Naruto recoiled at the abundance of venom interlaced in Sasuke's voice. The Uchiha took note and considerably softened, sighing hopelessly.

"I just noticed it this morning, so I went out and bought some wrinkle cream and was trying to put it on in the bathroom which was why I didn't want you looking." The sentence came out in a jumble of garbled, mostly incoherent sounds and Sasuke winced.

A brilliant whirlwind of yellow danced across his eyes and the next thing he knew, his lips had just about dissolved under the force of Naruto's kiss.

The blonde held the kiss until Sasuke honestly thought he'd die from lack of oxygen (ironic that it was Naruto doing the killing, given the fact that he was _supposed_ to be his lover), then peeled his mouth off of the Uchiha's with a warm, squelching noise, only to propel himself into Sasuke's chest with an elated squeal. An expression of confusion and shock promptly fixated itself onto the Uchiha's elegant features.

"Naruto…what…."

"THEN YOU'RE **_NOT_** HAVING AN AFFAIR!!" The fox-child shrieked happily, delving deeper into the folds of Sasuke's shirt. After a few moments passed during which the Uchiha carefully digested the information, he spoke, carefully choosing his words.

"And…why would you think that?"

"BECAUSE BECAUSE BECAUSE YOU WERE ACTING ALL WEIRD IN THE MORNING AND YOU WERE **_REEEAALLLYY_** QUIET THE WHOLE TIME AND I STARTED TO GET WORRIED BECAUSE I THOUGHT I THOUGHT I THOUGHT YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE YOU WERE TIRED OF ME AND AND AND THAT'S REALLY EASY FOR YOU TO DO BECAUSE A **_LOOOOOOOOOOTTT_** OF WOMEN REALLY LIKE YOU AND—" Sasuke hastily clapped a hand over Naruto's mouth.

"Honestly Naruto, you're way too loud. I'm not having an affair, and I don't _want_ to have an affair, so try to keep that shit out of your head, okay?" He said affectionately, chuckling as the blonde impudently wrinkled his nose.

"So…so that explains all the "d'you think I'm getting old?" questions and the weird behavior and everything…" Naruto said thoughtfully, just grasping the situation. Sasuke momentarily considered commenting on the sharpness (or lack thereof) of Naruto's thought process, then discarded the thought and lightly brushed his mouth over the blonde's lips.

"Yeah, that explains it. Now shut up," at this, Sasuke's voice dropped several octaves to a low, husky baritone "and let's continue where we left of, mmm?" Naruto purred seductively in response and pulled the Uchiha down on top of him, opening his mouth to grant access to Sasuke's tongue.

"You know…I'm kinda curious…" The blonde murmured against Sasuke's sweet, warm mouth between licks and kisses, "What kind of wrinkle cream did you use?"

Sasuke settled for emitting a moue of dismissal, delving deeper into Naruto's mouth with a husky moan. The blonde allowed him a few more kisses before gently pulling his lips off of the Uchiha's, gracing him with a heated, searing stare clouded with both naked desire and probing curiosity as he coyly slid slender fingers across the line of Sasuke's jaw.

"C'mon Saaaaasuke…." The words slid out of his lips in a breathy whisper. "You know you want to tell me." A flash of irritation flickered in the Uchiha's raven eyes as he tried in vain to capture Naruto's lips.

"Naruto…." he growled impatiently, but the blonde was stubborn, running a tantalizing tongue over Sasuke's bottom lip.

"You know I won't do anything unless you answer." Mock hopelessness flashed in Sasuke's eyes as he sat up, irritably running an aggravated hand through sleek black locks.

"It was Harumi's Wrinkle Cream, okay? Now do you _have _to make this any more difficul—"

"HARUMI'S WRINKLE CREAM??!??" Naruto practically shot out from under him, slamming his spine none to gently on the arm of the couch. Sasuke let out a sigh that seemed to reflect all the irritation in the world.

"_Yes_, okay?! And at the rate we're going, pretty soon you're going to be celibate, and I'm going to be frustrated!!" Naruto promptly dissolved into paroxysms of laughter.

"Jeez….Sasuke….sounds like you only…want me for the….sex…." He managed to gasp out before inhaling noisily and giving himself over to yet another bout of hysterical mirth. The Uchiha's mouth twitched in spite of himself.

"You know that's only part of why I want you." He said tartly, earning a sly wink from the blonde. Naruto teasingly shook a delicate finger in front of Sasuke's nose.

"More like _most_ of the reason why you want me," he shot back, then laughed. "Nah, I'm kidding."

"So why are you so concerned about Harumi's Wrinkle Cream?" Sasuke probed curiously. Naruto's expression quickly reverted to a tense, apprehensive frown.

"You're sure, absolutely positive that you used _Harumi's_ wrinkle cream?" He said urgently. Sasuke carefully nodded.

"Yeah, and as a matter of fact, I'll bring you the bottle so you can see for yourself…but…why's that such a problem?" Naruto threw his hands up in exasperation, not-so-subtlety rolling sapphire eyes.

"You don't _notice_ things other than shinobi-related happenings, do you? Jeez, Harumi's Wrinkle Cream Inc. went out of business fifteen years ago, and they haven't made a new product since." He said with a mordant air of obviousness. "I thought _everyone_ knew that." He added as an afterthought, earning a "you don't have to rub it in," from the disgruntled Uchiha.

"But why would that be such a concern?" Sasuke asked. "The bottle was still on the store shelves, so—"

"That means the manager's a complete ass who doesn't know what items to keep and what items to get rid of," Naruto stated matter-of-factly. "Now, you were GOING to bring me that bottle?" At that, Sasuke promptly disappeared, only to materialize half a second later, a small purple bottle clutched in his hands which he thrust defiantly out at the blonde.

"Here." Naruto took it gingerly, turning it over in his hands. After a while, he shook his head and pointed a nail at a small series of numbers down near the bottom. Sasuke squinted to see.

"Is that the expiration date?" The blonde asked. Sasuke nodded.

"It says it'll expire next Tuesday—" He started to say, then stopped, suddenly tense.

"Wait. Something feels off…" The phrase came out in a terse whisper. Naruto's lips twisted in a wry smirk.

"Kai."

The numbers seemed to blur, then warped into a new set of digits which seemed to glint almost mockingly up at the Uchiha. The blonde nodded grimly.

"Yeah, it expired Tuesday of _fourteen years ago_, Sasuke. Jeez, what were you _thinking?_ I can't BELIEVE you didn't catch that." Sasuke considered an excuse, then decided it wasn't any use.

"Okay, okay…but I can always wash the stuff off…"

"Do you know _why_ Harumi's Wrinkle Cream went out of business?" Naruto asked candidly. After a moment's thought, the Uchiha uttered a bemused negative. The blonde sat back and closed his eyes, steepling elongated fingers together as he went about his explanation with an air of authority.

"When the company first opened, they had a huge explosion in business, and many people thought they were going to have a monopoly over creams and lotions. However, after a few years, people started to get severe symptoms, and eventually it was known that Harumi's Wrinkle Cream was using a blend of effective but deadly chemicals in their cream, which is why they went out of business. It was a huge scandal, Sasuke, I can't believe you didn't know about it until now." He concluded tactfully.

Sasuke sat quite still, digesting this information with about as much speed as it took for molasses to drip. He was wearing a possibly deadly concoction of drugs on his face, and even as he thought these nastily unpleasant thoughts, the drugs were probably seeping into his brain and shutting down his vital organs. This would do well for future nervous breakdowns, yes it would…but…strangely, his mind remained unusually calm, an odd, studied coolness overtaking his senses (which was probably a side effect of the drugs, he thought absently, but side effect or no side effect, it felt rather good). He turned to Naruto and vaguely muttered a "how did you know this?" Naruto looked smug.

"Tsunade-baachan." Ah. All the wisdom in the world contained within one word. But…

"How would Tsunade-sama know?" Sasuke asked with a puzzled expression.

"You know I'm training to become the next Hokage, right?" Naruto said. Sasuke nodded. "And you know I have to learn certain diplomatic and political lessons from the current Hokage, which is a requirement right?" Again a bemused nod. "So once in a while, when we're taking a break and Tsunade-baachan gets drunk, she complains about a couple of things, one of them being wrinkle cream, which she has to use to keep up that face that she has." Naruto concluded with a rather triumphant air. "But enough talk, we have to do something about your face." He was stopped by a rather sharp tug on his sleeve. Sasuke looked deeply troubled and tense.

"Naruto…do you know what…will happen to the people who've used the cream?"

He knew full well there was a fifty-fifty chance of Naruto being serious. Well…since Naruto _was_, after all, _Naruto,_ the odds were more likely it being eighty-twenty in favor of the blonde spouting some melodramatic illness dealing with…oh, tentacles growing out of one's ears or something equally absurd. And….judging from the rather devious smirk that was slowly seeping across Naruto's face like grease over a non-stick pan…Sasuke was ninety-nine percent sure Naruto would come up with something—

"Well, first your skin cracks and oozes this clear, oozy-warm yellowy liquid that drips from your face, and then the whites of your eyes go all glazy-pink, and then eventually you start to bleed from all the pores on your body…"

—ridiculously absurd.

Ah yes. Yes. How _ever_ did he know what was going to come next? With a sigh that suggested years of frayed nerves, Sasuke firmly grasped Naruto by both shoulders and nearly incinerated the blonde with the heat of his stare.

"Naruto, I'm about to _die_ here, and I don't appreciate the fact that you're viewing my current situation as an entire and utter _joke_." At this, a very self-satisfied grin dripped like paint onto the fox-child's face.

"And here _I_ thought that you didn't _care _whether you lived or died as long as you got rid of your precious, cherished _Aniki_."

Too late, the words slipped out of his mouth. Naruto, realizing the extent to which he'd made the abhorred mistake, quickly contorted his face into a flinch, but when the nails on his shoulders didn't start digging in any deeper, he allowed himself the mercy of cracking open one eye, and focusing the aforementioned orb on Sasuke's face. When the Uchiha showed no signs of wanting to rip apart the apartment, Naruto visibly relaxed, only to tense on reflex at the small smirk that slipped past Sasuke's lips.

"I have you, remember? Aniki isn't that much of a concern to me anymore."

It shocked him. Killed him. With an outraged roar, Naruto pounced, sending Sasuke clear across the room and sprawling onto the bed, pale wrists instantly trapped by the blonde's steel-shod grip. Cerulean eyes flashed with a concoction of confusion, shock, surprise, and utter astonishment.

"_Did you just say what I think you just said?"_ He could barely squeeze the words out of his frozen lungs. Sasuke looked up at him with a casual, indifferent arch of one delicate, winged eyebrow and repeated his sentence, which earned him several minutes of constant, intense shaking courtesy of a terse and thoroughly frazzled blonde.

"_AAAAAAAHHH!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S HAPPENING!!! SASUKE NOT CARE ABOUT HIS BROTHER?!??! HOOOOOOLY **SHIT**, THAT WRINKLE CREAM IS STARTING TO WARP YOUR **BRAIN**, UCHIHA!!!"_

A kick executed from well-toned legs sent Naruto spiraling off into the wall on the other side of the room. Sasuke sat up, painfully rubbing his wrists, a disgruntled expression pasted upon elegantly-sculpted features.

"Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. I just…don't….care anymore…." And with a conclusive sigh, Sasuke fell back onto the bed, snoring lightly as the sudden bout of narcolepsy overtook his mind.

Naruto, groaning and rubbing a very sore head, poked said piece of anatomy over the end of the bed, nervously biting his lip as Sasuke continued to sleep. Perhaps the Uchiha was just tired, Naruto thought. After all, finding out that he'd just topically applied a dangerous and potentially lethal salve on his skin should have been enough to peak his adrenaline…but then again, Sasuke was Sasuke, an Anbu captain who'd survived countless numbers of sharp, pointy, and (if the weather was particularly nice) explosive objects, so it was somewhat needless to say one death-inducing dose of wrinkle cream was going to fry his mind as badly as Naruto thought it had been fried.

The blonde padded over to the comatose Uchiha and gently slid arms underneath Sasuke's slim waist, effortlessly cradling him against his chest. Gingerly leaping out the window, Naruto flitted from rooftop to rooftop, an intensely worried expression carved on his features as he made his way to a familiar half-domed building with a formidable kanji character painted on a marble pedestal…

Review kudasai...(shakes finger) if ya don't, I shan't post any more...(cackles evilly)


	4. Fix Him Now

Why is it that every other time I try to upload a document to update my chapters, I get some sort of "Error; blahdeeblahdeedah report to by clicking here nyaw nyaw nyaw" kind of crud?

Chapter 4: Fix Him. Now.

Tsunade looked up in mild curiosity as a hesitant series of raps sounded on the door. Tartly uttering a "come in", she commenced with stamping a series of requests as the door opened, hinges squeaking as a person entered the room. Looking up again, the buxom sannin flicked a quick glance at the newcomer and nearly had a coronary, reeling backwards and almost falling off of her emerald-hued chair. This particular visitor almost _never_ entered through the door, choosing a conveniently open window or just making one himself as he exploded through the roof (Shizune had presented a huge stack of bills for repairs to the frazzled sannin with a rather disapproving air).

"Naruto! How….what…" Contrary to the velvety grin she had expected from the cheeky blonde, Naruto only gave a halfhearted ghost of a smile that was more out of formality than anything else before gently displaying the Uchiha in his arms to the shell-shocked woman.

"Sasuke…can you help him, Tsunade-sama?" Oooooooooooooooookay, now _this_ had gone _way _too far. First he used the door for once in his life, and then he called her Tsunade-_sama_…the blonde woman bent forward and peered suspiciously into Naruto's azure-indigo eyes.

"Are you sure there isn't something wrong with _you_?" She said cautiously, poking a dangerous finger into his forehead. Naruto flinched, then recovered, gesturing to the best of his ability to the Uchiha in his arms.

"Well…I'm worried about Sasuke….I mean, he sort of….well…used some of….Harumi's Wrinkle Cream—"

"WHAT?!?! HOW!???!!?" Several Anbu poked their heads through the slightly open door to see what the fuss was about, accompanied by Shizune, who shot a highly scandalized look at the apologizing sannin. Tsunade lowered her voice to a bare minimum, the words being perfectly understood by Naruto's Kyuubi-heightened hearing.

"How did he get a bottle and just _why_ was he using it?" She hissed. Naruto sighed and went about explaining the whole situation from start to finish, painting a surprisingly clear, concise scenario without the usual distractions of Ichiraku ramen.

"I see…rather odd that _Sasuke_ should be the one worried about getting old…" Tsunade trailed off thoughtfully.

"He's been weird throughout the whole day. It started from the time when I woke up, even." Naruto said. "Can you fix him before the drug starts to take effect?" He added almost as an afterthought. Tsunade leaned back and propped elbows on her desk, studying Sasuke's slumbering form with a light flick of her chocolate eyes. After a tense moment during which silence crashed throughout the room, she leaned back and sighed.

"It will take time…but the path of the drug is very unpredictable. I'll need a way to see inside of his body without actually performing surgery, since the drug would most likely spread if I open him up." Catching the implication of her words, Naruto curtly nodded and disappeared, leaving an "I'll get Neji" as his only parting comment.

The blonde reappeared a moment later, a long-haired Hyuuga in tow. Neji addressed perfunctory formalities to Tsunade and received the whole scenario from the morning to the present (Naruto could have sworn he saw something that looked suspiciously like mirth tick in the general vicinity of Neji's jaw when the blonde sannin stated exactly just _why_ Sasuke got himself tangled in this whole predicament in the first place) before walking over to Sasuke's sleeping body and kneeling down, intently studying the figure before him. Naruto poked a head over the Hyuuga's shoulder, face contorting into a rather disgusted expression at the sight before him. He exchanged apprehensive glances with Neji, and together they carefully propped Sasuke up on the chair that a random Anbu had been so kind to lend to the operation.

A hazy groan emitted from the Uchiha, and Sasuke sat up, rubbing his eyes and yawning. Neji and Naruto immediately recoiled with twin remarks of "holy shit", which earned them a puzzled glance from Sasuke's charcoal eyes.

"What?"

Naruto pointed a shaking finger at the Uchiha.

"Y…y-y-y-y-y….your….face….Sasuke…." He stammered in a hushed whisper. Obsidian orbs looked perplexed.

"What about it? And…" he slanted a hostile glance at the slack-jawed long-haired brunette before him. "why is _Hyuuga_ here?"

Neji shot him a scathing look, though the disgust etched on his features was directed towards something else. Ignoring the Hyuuga, Sasuke touched a hand to his face, starting a little as fingers came in contact with lukewarm liquid. He took his fingers away and stared almost in wonder at the yellow that dripped almost lazily down the sides of his hand.

"What…is this? Naruto, did you—"

"It sure as hell wasn't me." The blonde interrupted, face twisted into an unreadable but undeniably revolted expression. Neji's expression was eerily similar, though less noticeable.

"Why is my face covered in yellow liquid?" Sasuke voiced finally.

Tsunade's hands fumbled as she quickly extracted a small hand-held mirror from the drawer of her desk, passing it over to the Uchiha with an air of great reluctance. Fearing the worst, Sasuke peered into the mirror and nearly fainted at the sickening sight that greeted him with seemingly open arms. The skin on his entire face had cracked, and thick, glutinous yellow liquid was now trailing lazily down the side of his cheek, dripping messily onto his pants. More of the sticky substance had clung to his eyelashes, sealing one eye shut and leaving the other incapable of anything more than a squint. His eyebrows were completely infested with yellowy goo, and as he twisted his head, more of his skin began to chap at his neck. After a few moments of stunned silence, it was Naruto who made just the very remark that had been floating hazily somewhere in the mists of his muddled brain.

"Sasuke…you look like you're covered in corn flakes."

A choked, strangled sound was heard and Neji instantly stuffed both fists in his mouth, turning away with a muffled noise that sounded like a cross between a hiccup and a retch, though even Naruto himself could see that the Hyuuga had quickly fallen prey to the throes of mirth. Gnashing his teeth so that a nasty crunching sound reverberated throughout his brain, Sasuke settled for quietly steaming where he sat, wishing he could Chidori a deliciously bloody path through Neji's insolent head. Turning a scorching Sharingan-blazing gaze at a certain blonde, it was all the Uchiha took not to bark out the next words.

"Shut him up, Naruto, or I'll do it for you."

Far from following his suggestion (but then again Naruto, being Naruto after all, almost _never_ followed any suggestion whatsoever of Sasuke's unless it dealt with consuming ramen), the blonde, in the loud, signature manner of his, tilted back his head and roared with laughter, making no attempt whatsoever to be subtle in any way. Thoughts turned feral as Sasuke diverted the idea of skull-destruction to Naruto instead of Neji.

"You are _really_ enjoying this, aren't you?" He remarked sarcastically, his only response a garbled "YES!" from Naruto before another pitfall of giggles took over. Sasuke bared his teeth in a venomous growl, wished he hadn't, and spat out a mouthful of vile, sickening yellow liquid that had seeped into his mouth when he'd stretched back his lips.

"_Is there any way to fix this goddamned disease?!?"_ It seemed that the scream earlier that morning had given his vocal cords a well-toned workout; Tsunade delicately stuck a finger in her ear and twisted contritely.

"Well…yes…but I'll have to have Neji inspect your body to tell me how far it's progressed…."

Keeping his lips as closed as possible to prevent the flowing any more of the sour yellow liquid, the Uchiha muttered something unintelligible, or at least it was to Tsunade before Naruto clarified.

"He says he doesn't want, and I quote, 'that meddling Hyuuga' to poke his nose anywhere near his body." With a sigh, Tsunade rubbed her temples in slow, circular curlicues, grinding the edge of her desk away with one blood-red nail.

"It's either that or face a sickening death." She remarked, knowing that Sasuke would readily choose the former.

"I didn't think it would be this _bad_!" Sasuke nearly screeched. Naruto looked indignant.

"I _told_ you exactly what would happen to you as the disease progressed, but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, the High and Mighty Uchiha-sama wouldn't even THINK of believing the LIES of LITTLE, INSIGNIFICANT ME." Partial memory of the symptoms Naruto had previously spouted out flickered dimly in Sasuke's mind.

"Well if you hadn't said it with that _look_ on your face, maybe I would have believed you." He shot back, wiping yet another wave of ooze from his face and grimacing at the puddle of gummy yellow that appeared on his sleeve. Naruto sighed.

"Look, as much as I'd LOVE to fight back, you really need help. So we're going to start operating on you right now."

And to Sasuke's surprise and much consternation, Naruto leaned in and practically broke the Uchiha's front teeth with the force of his kiss, quickly flicking a lithe tongue in and out of Sasuke's mouth before neatly clipping the stunned Uchiha on the back of his neck before he had time to even blink. Caring not a speck for the yellow goop that had flowed over his lips, he wiped lemon-hued residue from his mouth and shook his head sadly, pain evident in sparkling sapphire-cerulean eyes as the lean, lanky body slumped to the ground. Naruto remained standing over Sasuke's limp form, even as Neji walked up and wrapped a reassuring arm around the sloping shoulders of the fox-child.

"It'll be okay. Tsunade-sama will heal him." He said soothingly. Naruto executed a smile most rueful.

"I sure hope so." A dismissive shrug of one casual shoulder. "Come on, we'd better get him to an operating table." Neji silently nodded and scooped up Sasuke's legs, leaving the torso to the blonde. Trailing Tsunade as she strode imperiously into the large, pristine-white ward, they carefully placed Sasuke on the cold steel table, stepping back as the sannin placed a large book out in front of her, deftly licking her finger and turning well into the middle portion of the book. After a while, she stopped and turned to Naruto, a look of apt concentration etched into her features.

"All right. The disease is progressing quickly through his system, so this will require a bit of fixing. Naruto, there's a closet just down the hall; could you bring all the equipment hanging on the right wall over here please?" She asked. Naruto replied affirmatively and sped down the hall, managing to reach the required closet with a few artful maneuvers around passing medic-nin. He opened the door with a few twists of various handles….

And nearly had a heart attack right on the spot.

"TSU-NA-DE-BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Hell hath no fury like a fox-vessel scorned.

"What the HELL are you yelling about?" Tsunade snarled, sticking head and shoulders around the door. Naruto twitched spasmodically as he thrust a shaking finger at the innocent-looking closet.

"YOU'RE GOING TO OPERATE ON SASUKE WITH **_THOSE_**??!??!" He screeched. There was a loud crash, and several medic-nin wisely retreated several feet backwards as the window in the opposite wall promptly exploded.

"Yes, I'm going to operate on Sasuke with those, and yes, I do have some sort of clue to what I'm doing because, after all, I'm a SANNIN, for heaven's sake, and YES, he WILL come out of the surgery looking more or less like himself, so will you SHUT THE HELL UP AND BRING ME THOSE INSTRUMENTS?!?!?" Tsunade shouted in an equally violent tone. The two exchanged mutually poisonous glares before Naruto flounced off to the closet, muttering something about why MALE lovers didn't go through menopause.

The blonde reappeared no less than two seconds later, lugging with him various types of large, morbid-looking instruments. Tsunade scowled as he unceremoniously dumped them on the nearest table.

"Be careful with those, I don't want them broken. Now hand me that chainsaw and get out of here. This is the first remotely fun surgery that I'll perform in very long time, and I don't want to clean up after more than just me. And stop with the faces, Naruto. Sasuke'll be fine." She said imperatively, shooing him out of the room with Neji in tow.

Naruto stuck his tongue out at the sannin before complying with her wishes, quickly melting out of the operating room with a somewhat dour look on his face. He gingerly perched himself on the rather squarish waiting bench just outside of the room, smiling wanly as Neji took a seat beside him. The Hyuuga, noting the rather sharp angles of Naruto's haggard face, made a gentle stab at reassuring the fretting blonde.

"Hey…it'll be okay. Uchiha will live. He's survived countless other disasters before." He said softly. Naruto visibly wilted.

"Yeah…but…." He squirmed where he sat, feet rubbing self-consciously together. "I have a bad feeling about this one." He trailed off, earning an unwonted laugh from the Hyuuga next to him.

"Uchiha? Die from _wrinkle cream?_ Naruto, do you HONESTLY think that Sasuke would allow himself the embarrassment of being killed by _lotion_, of all things? He's practically _made_ for a glorious death. And besides, you _always_ get a bad feeling whenever Sasuke leaves on any sort of mission." Neji said in an incredulous tone.

"Mooouuuu, don't mention death right now. I'm worried." Naruto whined, still fidgeting. Neji chuckled, freeing renegade strands of ebony hair from their tangles around the legs of the bench.

"Okay….ramen perhaps?" Neji said carefully, knowing he was in for an earful but deciding it was worth the gamble if it cheered Naruto up. And sure enough, the full fury of the sun didn't even hold a candle to the brightness of the blonde's face.

"SURE!!! HEY, HAVE YOU EVER TRIED THE NEW MISO CHASHU THAT TEUCHI-JII-SAN HAS COME UP WITH RECENTLY…." The rest vaguely registered in his brain as gibberish, but Neji didn't care, just thankful for the cheeky smile that was such a familiar resident on Naruto's face.


	5. Tension, Oh, the Tension

Chapter 5: Tension, oh the Tension...

Eventually the blonde tired himself out and resorted to humming tunelessly, now stretched out languidly on the bench, his head on Neji's lap. Neji let him, and didn't pay too much attention to the blonde, instead settling back with the full intent of taking a nice little nap against the wall, but immediately decided against it when he felt faint little tugs on his hair. Sweeping an opalescent gaze down at the blonde on his lap, the Hyuuga smiled slightly as he witnessed a strand of his hair entwined in Naruto's slim, supple fingers.

"Do you think she's done yet? Baa-chan's taking an awfully long time…" Naruto mused absently as he unconsciously stroked the lock of black in his hand. Neji smiled reassuringly.

"Maybe she just needs to make sure everything's okay." He offered helpfully, eliciting a groan from Naruto.

"Baa-chan's a freaking _sannin_ for Kami's sake; how long does it bloody TAKE to clean everything up?" He griped, shifted irritably in Neji's lap.

"Now now, I'm sure everything's going to be fine—"

"TSUNADE-BAA-CHAN!!! HOW IS HE!?!?!?" Naruto skyrocketed into the air and nearly mowed the wearied woman over as she staggered out of the room. Tsunade heaved a deep, tired sigh.

"He'll be fine…for the most part…but I discovered that the wrinkle cream he put on…." She paused, jaw working for the appropriate words, then tried again. "To put it in the most unscientific terms possible, the wrinkle cream was corrupted with a strange sort of chakra, one that I think still runs in the system of a very much alive shinobi." She concluded.

"Orochimaru?" Naruto ventured in a hushed, funereal voice. Tsunade briskly shook her head, flapping an irritated hand at the prying fox-vessel.

"Nono, Orochimaru wouldn't resort to such lowly tactics as corrupting WRINKLE CREAM. No, the shinobi I'm talking about…is….errr…." She trailed off. An uncomfortable silence quickly filled the void.

"Who?" Naruto prodded, a rather menacing scowl etched onto his features.

"Well, who do you think it is, baka! HARUMI's Wrinkle Cream….?" Tsunade spat back. A finger drifted to his mouth as Naruto remained blithely unaware.

"I don't know who Harumi is."

Tsunade's expression rapidly shifted into something akin to amazement.

"No? But you knew about the scandal fifteen years ago…."

"Only from you, I did, and even then I didn't catch all the details." Naruto tartly replied, earning yet another sigh from the blonde woman before him.

"Well…to put it briefly, Mitsuko Harumi was the one in charge of making the wrinkle cream, and also the reason why it was such a success. She'd cast an aging jutsu on a village, wait for about a week or two until the wrinkles began to show, then conveniently show up with all of her wrinkle products. Naturally, the people would be begging for her products, which was why she was such a success. However…." Tsunade paused and began again.

"The people who were getting wrinkles by way of natural processes were also buying her products. Since her aging signs were produced by way of chakra, the chakra-enhanced wrinkle cream she was selling only worked for the wrinkles which she caused, and so…produced some nasty side effects on those with natural wrinkles." Tsunade finished, gesturing lamely towards Sasuke's room.

"As seen by our unfortunate victim in there." She concluded with a flourish. Naruto and Neji exchanged twin looks of bewilderment.

"So why are you telling us this? Sasuke just happened to take the wrong bottle off a random shelf in the store. It's a common mistake, so why make such a big deal out of it?" He inquired. Tsunade flashed a wry smile in return.

"Ah, but that's where we get to the problem. Naruto…ever since the scandal was reported…all the shopkeepers were instructed to clear every single one of Harumi's products off of their shelves. Konoha's storekeepers are notorious for their impeccable inventory skills, which allows absolutely no room for error. So I ask you this: why do you think that one bottle was left on the shelf?" She said gravely.

"Do you mean to tell us….that Harumi's somewhere in this village?" Neji interjected. Tsunade nodded.

"Yes, and that's what's so frightening. Ever since the scandal was found out in this village….Harumi's been locked up in Konoha's prison. To be able to escape from such a jail…well, I shudder to think what would happen if she actually showed the true potential of her power. Especially to Konoha, since she does bear a throbbing grudge…we, after all, were the ones who completely ruined her." She paused, then added "Harumi could be anywhere in the village right now."

"But Konoha's a huge place! How are we ever going to find her?" Naruto squawked. At this, a sly smile slowly curled over Tsunade's full lips like freshly-cut wood shavings.

"We have our own little secret weapon, remember? Once you come in contact with a foreign chakra, it provides you with a link to the owner of that chakra, a link that can only be detected by the most advanced shinobi. Sasuke will be your "guide dog", hopefully leading you straight to Harumi. Naruto, you and Neji will follow him and make sure he doesn't get into any trouble. I've posted Anbu all around the walls of Konoha to make sure Harumi can't escape, but you'd better get a move on it. This girl's as sly as a fox." Tsunade warned, eliciting a grin from Naruto.

"Hey, one can't be the number one mischief-maker in Konoha and learned nothing from it. I know all the hiding places that ever existed in this hallowed village. This'll be eeeeeezeeee." Naruto drawled, a very self-satisfied smirk dripping lazily over his face. Tsunade looked scandalized.

"Very well, but take care of yourself anyhow. I need my primary candidate for the next Hokage to be alive and more or less in one piece after this is done." She quipped, then turned and stuck an arm inside the doorway of Sasuke's room, pulling out the dazed Uchiha by the collar and shoving him against Naruto's chest.

"He's still a bit delicate, so be careful, yes?" She said. Neji muttered something along the lines of "Uchiha, _delicate?_" before retreating along with Naruto.

It turned out that Tsunade was right. Sasuke WAS delicate. In fact, he was _so_ delicate, that it took almost half an hour of pleading and whining on Naruto's part to get the muddled Uchiha to actually _walk_. Which meant leaping through trees at breakneck speeds was virtually out of the question.

"Saaaaaaaasuke, will you SNAP OUT OF IT ALREADY?!?!" Naruto growled, nerves teased to a bare minimum. Said nerves were frayed even more as Sasuke shot a bleary-eyed had-one-drink-too-many-last-night glazed-over look at his lover, accompanied with a rather crooked grin.

"Mmmmmfiiinnnee…" And with a jaw-crunching yawn, the Uchiha fell over like a sack of wet cement on top of Naruto. The blonde sighed. Only Sasuke could make something as inelegant as falling look like a graceful pirouette across a freshly-waxed floor.

"Hokage-sama DID say he was rather fragile…." Neji delicately pointed out, earning him an irritated glare from Naruto.

"I heard her the first time." The blonde heaved yet another sigh and waggled fingers in the air. "Isn't there some sort of weird pressure-point thingy-majigy that you can do to make him normal again?"

"Hokage-sama said she had to sedate him with a lot of painkiller, which would make him dizzy and out of sorts for the next half an hour. My tenketsu knowledge is useless against those kinds of medicine." Neji stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world since plants and animals.

"Yeah, yeah….but it's been half an hour already! Hell, I think it's been at least forty-five minutes! And anyhow, seeing that this is SASUKE we're talking about, I should have expected it to be over by fifteen minutes!" Naruto ranted.

"Uchiha is the least of our worries right now. We know he'll survive; right now, our top priority is finding this Harumi." Neji said candidly. "Yes, I know you're his lover, but Sasuke will be fine, so let's get this over with."

"Okay…." Naruto finally conceded. "But we're taking him along with us just in case he decided to shape up."

"I'm not carrying Uchiha." Neji said firmly, earning a snort from Naruto, who promptly flung Sasuke over his shoulder like a wet rag in response.

"Relax. I got this." He smirked, then straightened to his full height.

"Neji, use Byakugan to search the south end of the village. I'll search the north end for anything suspicious."

"You are certain that you won't leave any place unturned?" The Hyuuga said, which earned him a most toothy grin indeed.

"Of course not. Yer talking to Konoha's most accomplished prankster here. I know all the sewers ever constructed in this village, down to the very last drop of piss." Naruto said with a velvety smile. Neji winced at the blatant vulgarity, but nevertheless turned on his heel and lightly leaped onto a nearby limb.

"We shall meet back here in one hour's time." He said briskly, then vanished. Chuckling, Naruto followed suit.

The blonde leaped lightly from roof to roof, scanning alleyways and gutters with sharpened vision. He performed a small seal and executed a sweeping chakra scan of the local vicinity, searching for any abnormal signs of excess chakra. Finding none, Naruto slithered away and slipped like a shadow into the nearest convenience store, finding himself a secluded area. Sapphire-chips of eyes momentarily glowed, and slowly darkened to a deep amethyst. He sat quite still for an extended period of time, mind painstakingly sifting through the entire north side of Konoha for information before he closed the link and stood with a sigh. Kyuubi had helped him greatly when it came to surveillance work, but it still left him feeling rather dizzy at times.

Sasuke had passed out again sometime during the trip, and it was now that Naruto turned to look at him with a sympathetic glance. Tsunade must've put a bit too much sedative into his system. Oh well. He would wake once more, of that Naruto was sure.

The blonde flicked a glance at a nearby clock, marked the time, and gathered up the Uchiha once more. He made his way out of the store and was in the middle of leaping into a tree when a sudden, horrible realization smartly rapped him on the head, which led to a rather unsightly crash and a tangle of limbs in tree branches. Naruto disengaged himself from the tree and leapt to the safety of the ground, a million thoughts suddenly jammed up inside his brain.

Perhaps….perhaps the reason Sasuke was acting so _weird_ was because….

Because…..

Only one word flashed across his mind.

"NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY-_JEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"_

Smoke rose as one Uzumaki Naruto careened across the plains of Konoha, one Uchiha Sasuke flopping helplessly in his arms.

* * *

hahaha, FINALLY that stupid line thing works...TT 


	6. Pink is SUCH a nasty color

Was it all that confusing? Oh well...I'll explain in this chapter.

Chapter 6: Pink is SUCH a nasty color

Far, far away, almost on the other side of the village, the Hyuuga in question was thrown flat on his back by the mere force of the yell. Said back promptly screeched a symphony of cracks and pops in protest, accompanied by his mind's response of thoughts mostly dealing with a million different ways to make one Uzumaki Naruto's death long and exceedingly painful.

And it didn't help that suddenly half the village was looking at him through narrowed eyes filled with the shifty annoyance that came with being disturbed.

Knowing that the deed was done and that it wouldn't do any good to gripe about the consequences, be it inwardly our outwardly, Neji heaved a weary sigh and headed in the general direction of the shout, running a pale hand irritably through silken, onyx tresses. Gliding elegantly across the roofs that dotted Konoha, the Hyuuga located a mass of burnished bronze standing on top of the Nidaime's nose, a flaccid lump of one Uchiha Sasuke cradled in his arms. Byakugan caught a flare of irregular chakra and in that very instant, Neji knew just what the blonde was going to say a split second before he was going to say it.

"Neji, Sasuke's—"

"I know. I'll try to remove it the best I can." Neji interjected, then quickly sent a swirl of chakra seeping into his fingers. He withdrew, strained Byakugan to its fullest, and deftly plunged two poker-straight digits into Sasuke's heart.

The Uchiha spasmed once, a great, shuddering jerk that seemed to rattle all the bones in his body, then seemed to relax, sending a sudden sizzle through both Neji's and Naruto's veins. For a while, nothing out of the ordinary occurred, but just as the two were about to give up, a thin, hazy thread of light pink vapor wafted out of Sasuke's mouth and disintegrated into the air.

Abruptly both Neji and Naruto whirled backwards just as a thundering explosion rocked the atmosphere, sending clouds of neon-pink into the skies. The smoke quickly dissipated, only to reveal an eerily beautiful woman with a full, curvaceous body that was poured into a cherry yukata tied with a crimson sash. Luscious lips tilted into a seductive smile as the woman flipped back a long, wavy mane of shocking red hair, feet delicately touching down on Yondaime's stone upper lip.

"Well well, just my luck; three delicious young males." Her voice tinkled like a harmony of bells as she settled a well-rounded rump on the Hokage's carved nose and folded two perfectly manicured hands over her knees. "I had no idea such gorgeous beings existed on the face of this earth."

Naruto didn't even flick an eyelash. "I'm about as straight as a circle, so don't even THINK of trying that."

This seemed to have a radical effect on the floating waif above them. Black-lashed eyes widened in shock as Harumi coyly touched one bloodred nail to her crimson mouth in over-dramatic astonishment. The shock quickly drained out of her face to be replaced by her normal sultry expression which dismissed Naruto entirely and moved onto Neji.

"Mmm, but that's perfectly fine. This young buck will do just as well. La, those beautiful eyes would make any woman spread her legs for him. Perhaps…." And here she shifted a little, the yukata slipping to reveal a flash of bare thigh "even me."

Naruto, with an air of high disgust: "Excuse me while I go have a seizure."

"However, as much as I'd love to on a later date, that's not my purpose right now." Harumi cooed, then smiled and flicked supple fingers.

With a jolt, Sasuke's body lurched out of Naruto's grasp and flew to her side, coming to rest behind her. Naruto let out a cry of outrage; it was only Neji's firm grasp around his waist that stopped him from catapulting off of the Nidaime's nose. The Hyuuga fought to restrain the flailing blonde, resting his mouth by Naruto's ear.

"Calm down. This woman has complete control over Sasuke, and who knows what she'll do to him if we try to attack her." He hissed. "Her chakra's completely replaced his."

"Why didn't you tell me that sooner?" Naruto growled in response, calm for the moment but still quite tense.

"The only thing we can do now is hope that Sasuke can somehow break the hold she has on him. In the meantime, all we can do is fight her to stall for time." Lips twisted in a wry smirk. "Uchiha is strong; he'll break out of her grasp soon enough."

With a final wrench, Naruto twisted out of Neji's arms and stood, rigid against the line of Nidaime's nose. Neon-blue chakra flared to life and formed an eerie sort of fire that paid due homage to the blonde's tall, blazing figure, reflecting off his sapphire eyes until they shimmered with lurid luminescence, making them magnificently beautiful yet intensifying the promise of death by a factor of four. Neji too was ablaze in white glory, raw energy leaking out of his system and wrapping around him like a pure, translucent veil. Byakugan displayed itself with a terrible power, and as if the imminent battle was pre-choreographed, the two shinobi crouched into twin stances of rage.

Velveteen eyes narrowed against the awesome magnificence of the blaze, and Harumi threw up a hand to shield against the power. In a brief instant of panic, the woman turned on her heel as if to flee, but then thought the better of it and whirled back, grabbing Sasuke and using him as a shield against the power before her.

"What will you do? You can't _possibly_ mean to kill your own comrade, yes?"

Both Neji and Naruto replied by plunging hands afire with chakra through Sasuke's chest, impaling Harumi in the process with a sickening crunch.

The redhead gasped as crimson libation spurted from the gaping wound in her chest. She reeled back and lost her grip on Sasuke, choking gutturally as she was bathed in her own blood. Sasuke was also heavily bleeding, but his obsidian eyes remained impassive and seemed not to note the red streaming down his shirt. Azure eyes narrowed in worry. Sasuke should have been able to break Harumi's hold on his mind, now that she was so weakened.

"I…I can't believe it….you would dare….to harm your own comrade?" She gasped as she coughed red spray into the air. Naruto, surprisingly, smirked.

"Sasuke can handle anything, and I'm sure a small hole through his chest won't do more than irritate him. He'll survive. You, on the other hand, might not." He said triumphantly.

Harumi straightened then, her saccharine smile once more in her face, and to Naruto's absolute horror, the blood just spilled seeped back into her chest, leaving only a large, cleanly cauterized hole in the space between her breasts.

"Ooo la la, it's not polite to fondle someone you've just met, especially a lady." She smiled, her voice dripping like rich red wine.

"Chivalry's dead anyway." Naruto spat back, carefully buying time. The air rustled gently as Neji landed catlike beside him.

"That's an illusion, Naruto. The real Harumi is probably still inside Sasuke's circulatory system." The Hyuuga whispered urgently. Crossing one slim leg over the other, the woman before them reached into her hair and drew out a thin, blood-red lock which stiffened suddenly to form a needle. Harumi idly twirled the weapon between pale, slender fingers, smiling sibilantly.

"Really?" A clean snap of one wrist sent the projectile gyrating towards Naruto.

"I'm not taking any chances," Naruto yelled and deftly leapt to one side just as the needle struck rock, which exploded into a million shards of stone-wrought shrapnel. Neji cringed. The Nidaime's nose now had a dent in the side, which, the Hyuuga suspected, if one looked at it from afar, would ironically look like a very large zit. Not exactly the proper way to make the statue of such an esteemed person look regal to any visiting foreigners.

"Oh, and _who was it that said she was an illusion?!"_ Naruto squawked, slicing a highly scandalized glance at the Hyuuga in front of him.

"Remember, genjutsu has the ability to trick your brain into giving you physical pain." Neji shot back. "But I think you're right for once; Harumi isn't an illusion, which means it will be largely up to Sasuke to get rid of her, though we'll do our best to weaken her if we can."

"Tsk tsk, this is NOT an accepted method to entertain a lady-guest, my young, gorgeous lovers. Please, allow me to show you the proper way." Harumi simpered.

Crimson nails extended suddenly and wrapped themselves around Neji and Naruto, lifting them into the air and bringing them towards the redhead. The nails snaked around and embedded themselves into Neji's hair, twisting tightly around the black locks and tugging so that the Hyuuga had to tilt his head back to avoid the promise of pain. Harumi's breath was hot on his neck as she tongued the juncture where his neck ended and his shoulder began, trailing a wet, sticky trail up his long, pale throat. Neji shuddered with loathing at her touch upon him.

"Sweet….marvelous indeed…." She murmured, laughing low in her throat.

It was perhaps the stupidest thing he could have ever come up with. In retrospect, he probably would have come up with a million better ways to release her hold on him, about half of which would have demolished her right away and saved him the muss and fuss of more difficulties, but at that moment, it was probably because Naruto felt such hot, raw fury dripping like wax through his veins that apparently all connection to his brain short-circuited which activated pure instinct and instinct alone. Rearing back, he plunged his head down opened his mouth, and bit down, _hard_, onto the red bonds that bound him. It would have been a useless effort had not he severed various thin threads of chakra within the nails, and it was probably due to dumb luck that he'd hit a main current, which snapped completely, therefore rendering what was left of Harumi's nails useless for the time being.

Dumb luck usually saved him in more than one circumstance. As the old Ero-sennin Jiraiya was so fond of saying, the only reason he was still alive and more or less in one piece—after countless S-class missions during which stupid things like falling into a very conveniently-placed puddle had saved him from being hit from two directions by exploding shuriken, which in turn hit their own comrades and thus had wiped out the entire opposing side—was because Lady Luck herself was lusting after his ass. To which he responded with reproachful cries of "JIRAIYA-HENTAI!!!" and put the comment out of sight and out of mind, only to have it resurface during the most random moments, this being one of them.

Yes, Ero-sennin did have a way of nonplussing his students. But having trained with the lecher for fifteen-plus years did tend to give one a high tolerance for such shit.

"Naruto, MOVE!!"

He let out a muffled "oof" and promptly got a mouthful of black, wiry silk as Neji deftly caught him around the waist and pinned him to the ground. Not a moment too soon either, for another one of Harumi's exploding hair-needles had just graced Nidaime with yet another zit. Ironically, the only thing running through the blonde's mind was that Tsunade was going to have a fit, and it would be probably up to him to fill in the blemishes with new stone.

Neji, a very disgruntled look on his face (how the Hyuuga still managed to look elegant when his face was scrunched up like that was beyond the limits of Naruto's brain capacity), grabbed his hair and pulled it out of Naruto's mouth, wiping the strands on a spare piece of shirt before shaking it irritably behind him. Pale fingers caught a tanned wrist and yanked the fox-child up, settling him back on his feet.

"How close is Sasuke to breaking Harumi's grip right now?" Naruto said breathlessly. Neji gritted his teeth.

"Very close. All we need to do is defeat this waif, and that should be enough for Uchiha to snap out of it." He said briskly, then stood, blue chakra crackling ominously at the tips of his fingers. Naruto unconsciously inhaled, smelling the spiky, spicy scent of Neji's chakra, a combination of sweet musk and sandalwood, before giving a curt nod. The Hyuuga turned to Naruto and addressed him in a low whisper.

"I'll need assistance, and well you know which kind." He said softly. Naruto nodded again and readied himself.

Neji leapt then, a graceful, elegant leap which extended the full length of his body into the air. He soared in a curving arc towards Harumi, fingers drawn back as even more chakra sparked and crackled at their tips. At first, the woman before him couldn't believe she was allowed such an opening, but eventually succumbed to temptation and snatched three more hairs from her head, flinging them vindictively at the approaching Hyuuga. The needles came closer and closer still, until they drew almost level with Neji's airborne figure, but still the Hyuuga did not move, not even when the tips of the weapons imprinted the initial indentations in his shirt and sang the promise of penetration.

It was then that Naruto flung a blazing Rasengan right into Neji's back with a twist of one arm, sending the Hyuuga blazing at an almost inhuman speed towards Harumi's startled form.

And the priceless look of pure and utter horror that appeared on the woman's beautiful face would forever brand itself upon the wonderful memories of one Uzumaki Naruto.

* * *

Do you get it now? Harumi was hiding in Sasuke's chakra system before Neji pulled her out. 


	7. Revenge is a dish best served cold

Jyuuken-honed fingers embedded themselves into the woman's body, completely obliterating her entire chakra circulatory system. Harumi screamed, a weird, wild, chilling scream as unharnessed chakra flowed and pulsed out of her system, shredding skin and burning flesh as it spilled unchecked into the atmosphere. Sasuke's body spasmed with a great, shuddering jerk and stood erect, obsidian eyes wide and staring. A film seemed to drop from the Uchiha's eyes, and suddenly a torrent of glutinous red streamed out of his mouth and materialized with a sickening splat on the ground at his feet, revealing the true form of Harumi. This Harumi was a mess, her hair matted and filthy with red, her eyes bloodshot, and her robe in tatters around her body.

The woman attempted to stand, leaning heavily against the stone surface of Yondaime's nose as she forced her knees to lock. A heavy groan wormed its way out of her mouth as her whole body stridently protested, but eventually she managed to gain a footing, using one of Yondaime's carved nostrils for support.

The air shifted ever so slightly as both Neji and Naruto materialized out of thin air in front of her, twin smirks of grim victory emblazoned on their countenances.

"No….no, please…spare my life…." Harumi pleaded weakly, hands outstretched in a last and desperate plea.

"Oh, we'll spare your life all right," Naruto quipped with a devastating grin. "And once we rid you of the parts of your chakra circulatory system that Neji didn't already destroy, we'll stick you right back into prison where you belong." He finished with a little mock-bow. "Of course, you'll be given the proper accommodations a lady like yourself deserves….a hole to piss in….proper clothes, I heard they have a new shade out called shit-brown for the pants…." Neji had to muffle a laugh in spite of himself.

Harumi sank to the ground, defeated, as the two shinobi advanced. A flick of wrists, and Neji drew out a thin strand of chakra from his fingers, wrapping it around Harumi's form, lips murmuring seals the whole time. He finally straightened; Harumi was completely bound in what looked like a shimmering blue cloak that pulsed with a weird, necrotic life of its own. Naruto shivered and slanted a glance at the Hyuuga beside him. Neji had improved to the point where the rate of his progress would have struck fear into even the most staid of hearts.

The most brilliant idea suddenly flashed into his head. Lips curved into a devious grin and Naruto swiftly drew out some paper, elongated canines nipping into his thumb. Neji watched curiously as the blonde hastily scribbled a haphazard message on the paper, tartly tacking it onto the back of Harumi's scarlet yukata. Chakra flared as Naruto grabbed the woman by the scruff of the neck, and with a twitch of one well-toned arm, Naruto flung the terrified redhead into the air. Harumi shrieked in horror through the rag stuffed in her mouth, her screams dying out as she disappeared high into the sky.

"Are you sure that's wise, Naruto? She might be able to escape…." Neji said cautiously. Naruto snorted.

"Psh, you're doubting the strength _of your own bindings?_ Please Neji, get real." He tilted a hand to his eyes, watching cryptically as Harumi slowly began her descent to the earth.

"And besides….I think I'll have a bit of fun."

The shrieks of the horrified woman rapidly increased in volume as she plummeted to the earth. With a scandalous wink at Neji's stunned countenance, Naruto tilted his entire body to the side, lifted a leg, and—

WHAM

Harumi's back bowed cleanly in half as Naruto launched a powerful kick into the curve of her spine, sending her rocketing at a breakneck speed in the other direction. He drew back his leg and dropped it elegantly to the ground, a self-satisfied whistle escaping his lips. Neji ever so slowly shook his head from side to side, a highly chagrined look chiseled on his finely-sculpted features. He spoke, his words sliding out in a cocktail of absolute disbelief, shock, and awe.

"I…can't believe you just did that." He said in a muted whisper. Naruto bared teeth in a feral little grin.

"I told you chivalry was dead. And if I aimed correctly, Tsunade should be receiving her package….right…..about…."

A crash resonated in the distance.

"—now." The blonde bobbed his head, still grinning away.

"Yup." He sighed. "All in a day's work." Brilliant sapphire eyes swept down to rest their gaze on Sasuke's form.

"Well…best get him up." He jumped over to the Uchiha, landing gently by his side.

"Sasuke…..Saaaaasuke, wake up….." Neji winced delicately at the syrup dripping from the blonde's voice. Naruto leaned even closer.

"Pleeeaase, Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasuke….I'll be warm and willing if you wake uuuuppppp….." He wheedled gently. Sasuke groaned slightly, charcoal brows coming together in a slight frown, but still remained comatose.

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!! SASUKE-TEME!!! I'LL MOVE IN WITH NEJI IF YOU DON'T WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Sasuke shot ten feet into the air with cries of "I'LL KILL THE BASTARD FIRST!!" as Naruto looked on, rolling on the floor with laughter.

"O….okay….I rest my case….you only want me for the sex…." He managed to squeeze out before succumbing yet again to another wave of hysterical mirth. A tomato-red tint blossomed on one highly embarrassed Hyuuga's face as he turned away, muttering incomprehensible phrases along the lines of "so close".

"Jeez, Naruto, one of these days, you'll destroy the whole of Konoha if you keep yelling like that…" Sasuke muttered, running an irate hand through onyx locks. Naruto just grinned and kissed him high on the cheek.

"Glad to see you too, Sasuke-kun." He started to turn, changed his mind halfway through, and whirled back to face Neji.

"Thanks for helping out. I couldn't have done it without you." He said gratefully. Neji acquiesced, curtly inclining his head.

"It was a trifle matter." He said in brisk, clipped tones, causing something like guilt to flash over Naruto's face. The blonde stared heatedly at the ground, playing with his fingers. Neji, noting this, decided he hadn't the heart and relieved the blonde's tension.

"Don't worry about anything. I'm just glad you're okay."

On an impulse, Naruto leaned up and gently brushed lips across Neji's mouth. The Hyuuga stiffened, expecting tension to explode in the air, but Sasuke's hackles remained calm, and to his mild surprise, the Uchiha stared him straight in the eye and ever so slightly bowed his head, a somewhat cynical smile fused on his mouth. The moment was fleeting, but Neji saw a new spark of respect in Sasuke's dark eyes, the sort of grudging respect reserved for those of mutual cooperation. And he had to admit…the age-old vendetta between him and the Uchiha over the affections of (one obscenely oblivious) Naruto didn't seem like such a complicated matter after all. It was quite trivial really….

"Come, Naruto. Let's go home." Sasuke touched a hand to Naruto's shoulder and started to draw him away. The blonde halted, turned over his shoulder and flashed one last glance at Neji's figure. Sasuke, seeing this, obligingly let the blonde go back to Neji once more and wisely didn't follow.

"Will…will you really be okay?" Naruto asked in a whisper. Neji frowned thoughtfully; perhaps Naruto wasn't as clueless as everyone thought him to be. He smiled gently and scraped smooth fingers across the line of the blonde's brow, a gesture so intimate that nothing could rival the sudden burst of naked, timid desire and nervousness that blossomed between the two.

"I'll be fine." He murmured reassuringly, then leaned up, his mouth gently caressing Naruto's ear.

"Get Uchiha drunk one of these days; I want you back in my bed again." Naruto's eyes widened to the size of dinner plates and his jaw executed a series of creaks as he fought to keep it closed.

"Whooo, Neji, I never knew ya had it in ya…." He paused, caught Neji's opalescent orbs with his own, and flashed the Hyuuga a dazzling smile that seemed to burn up the day. "But I'll see what I can do. After all…" he lowered his voice to a mere whisper and subtlety nuzzled the line of Neji's jaw. "You sorta deserve it." He drew back, graced Neji's shocked countenance with a conspiratorial wink, then waggled suggestive brows at the stunned Hyuuga as Sasuke gently herded him off of the Hokage monument.

The wobbly smile that immediately strapped itself on his face, Neji noted wryly, would probably be stuck there for the rest of the day.


End file.
